|
Post by Archangel_Dream on May 16, 2003 8:02:15 GMT -5
Hey, I felt like turning to you guys for advice. I REALLY need help. Heck, I'm desperate! Ah, well, here goes... For those who have been in this board for some time, you may have heard of my prob *looks at fungiwoman and chibiwonton* You know, there are different views from ppl of me: to my late friends, I am a hyper person. Very ;D To my classmates, I am an emotionless, anti-social freak To my so-called enemies, I'm a heartless devil (well, that's what they say whenever I beat them up ^^;; ) And to the ppl in this board, I'm a very noisy, upbeat person who never fails to express her utmost opinion. ;D So what the heck is my REAL self? Well, I don't even know myself. I'm all blank inside, if you know what I mean. When I hit someone, I have no conscience at all, whatever that is. And I don't feel anger, sadness, depression, WHATEVER--just hollow. Can somebody tell me what made me like this??
|
|
|
Post by M-Chan on May 16, 2003 13:12:51 GMT -5
first thing of all your not blank... you do have a conscience... you jus need to find the essence of it you know what i mean? everyone protrays different personalities in front of different people your more willing to show yourself more to people who are close to you... my question is which makes you happy? which makes you feel most comfortable? i'm sorta going through the same thing... finding myself and how i fit into this world... which has led me to a bunch of things... like writing... not my anime fics... but some other stuff...
|
|
|
Post by Archangel_Dream on May 16, 2003 22:20:48 GMT -5
Hm...my teacher said that to me when I sent her a blank essay with the theme "What makes Life for me?" ;D Actually, I don't know...even if I say to ppl "Oh I so love this one!" I'm all hollow inside, like it never responds to anything. That makes me a little frustrated at myself, and even MORE frustrated since frustration wasn't apparently known to my train of emotions. I dunno at all...I just pretend to like something to keep ppl satisfied. But what I really am used to is being alone. Like I said, it's been 8 years I write too, but it's mostly about the reality of the world (you'll get my point after reading my poems) It's pretty weird. 8-9 years ago my poems were all about happiness and love and stuff like that...now look at this: Ordinary Girl They stare at you in the halls With smirks on their faces They wait for you to trip so much To post it in big fat cases Refrain 1: Popular kids diss you Bullies push you around Teachers just peer at you And make those pitiful sounds Chorus: Face it girl You can never blend in No matter how hard you try How you wish you could be ordinary Even for just a little while Every day that passed by They do experiments on you Treating you like a lab rat They put toppings on your outfit Pour gunk on your head You only live to be laughed at Refrain 2: You go straight home after school Crying on your bed You pray every night to God asking To let you just drop dead* Bridge: Hey girl What have you done To make your life this cursed? Why can’t they understand You just want to be an ordinary girl (You say, you wish)* It's not exactly a happy song...^^;; They say it's what I'm going through right now, my poems and songs tell my story, so my feelings show in them. That's the sad part. Even though my poems show their feelings, the writer actually doesn't FEEL it! Argh...it's so confusing, huh? Sorry for blabbing but I can't express it much if I'm all blank... I said I had no conscience because that's what ppl said to me lots of times. I was smiling so widely when I beat up this one guy, and ppl swarmed me saying, "Don't you have any conscience?" and I said "What's that?" And they explained that it's an inner voice that reminds me to stay in the right path, but nothing like that ever happened to me... Maybe this is a result of what happened in my past. Man, I don't even know! Oh darn, this is too long. Hope you guys can help me...
|
|
|
Post by Chibiwonton on May 17, 2003 1:51:35 GMT -5
hmmm....i also believe that one person can have multiple personalities. Face it, is there such person that can put a smile on all the time? Everyone experiences falls many times throughout their life. Finding the personality that suits yourself might be hard, but don't try to hard to just satisfy everyone else. Do what you think is natural, and that will be your personality. A personality and a mood is two completely different things. Being grouchy and crabby on a bad day doesn't mean that you have a bitchy personality. It's the overall moods you have all together that makes you who you are. And, if other people doesn't like your real personality, then it's their problem. I'm sure that there are many who accepts who you are. Can't make everybody like you right? What i think you're going through now is the confusion of your own moods. I, personally, act very different towards different type of people. I really don't think it's a big deal if you have multiple personalities, and also i don't think that it would make you hollow at all. It's hard to find a real self within anyone, so if you are feeling .....um...weird, it would probably just take time for you to find out. Umm...am i trailing far off from the original question? or did i answer anything, ulitima-chan? but anyways, i'm glad that you shared this with us. I hope that i helped...
|
|
|
Post by Archangel_Dream on May 17, 2003 9:28:27 GMT -5
Hm...guess so. Thanks for your insights! ;D Actually, my lack of emotions kinda scare me. I don't have moods, or don't have reaction to a situation. I act the same toward ppl, but they have different views on me (that's pretty normal of course; no two people are the same That can be dangerous, right? I mean, I can execute crimes without even a shred of guilt. Man, when that happens...I don't even want to know. I guess this started happening years ago. There was this...incident...and uh, I went through about a year and a half crying and stuff, then I start to take out my depression on things and ppl. I don't know when exactly changed, but I started to go through halls with a blank expression, so I scare lots of kids, and I end up alone. Should I be happy that no one would know my screwed life and get involved, or sad that I can't relate to the rest of the world?? (See why they call me "Alien"?)
|
|
Fuuko
Amateur Otaku
"Destiny awaits no one"
Posts: 96
|
Post by Fuuko on May 17, 2003 10:01:26 GMT -5
I've ever got to that problem before...
Hmm... the best solution is... try to act the same with everybody. I mean, if you're cheery and moody with us, try to act as so to other people too. But not to your enemies. Still, try to avoid violence, okies? Don't get yourself kicked out of school for that *sweatdrops*.
That way, you'll find your real self sooner or later, cause that's how I did when I got the same problem with you! Hehe... hope it works *smiles*.
Then again, around our age... we usually became depressed with no particular reason... so I think it's kinda obvious. But don't feel bad about it, okies? *oats shoulder*
|
|
|
Post by Archangel_Dream on May 17, 2003 10:10:34 GMT -5
Fuuko-san, I am acting the same with everybody! I said ppl have different views of me! My late group knew my self because they were with me for years before they all passed away 8 years ago! I was normal then. And I beat up ppl when they heckle me. I can't help it! But I'll try. Nah, the school won't kick me out. They need me to bag those stupid trophies. BAH!! ;D Sooner or later?....it's been years, man... Um...I don't think my situation's the same as you guys. It's sorta serious. That's why I want help before something happens. Sorry if I confuse you guys. But, like I said, how can I express me if I don't know me??
|
|
Fuuko
Amateur Otaku
"Destiny awaits no one"
Posts: 96
|
Post by Fuuko on May 17, 2003 10:37:57 GMT -5
Whoa, this is a serious problem *popeyed*. Kay, maybe I'm a bit clueless cause I'm lack of experience. But as a person where others consult me for problems, I'll try my best to help you. Maybe it's not the best solution but... let's see first, okies? People have different opinions and yeah, I understand why your old friends said that you're all moody and blah. There are possibilities why your current group oversees you differently. Of course these are according to what happened to me =3. - Face it, you're years older. Some of your personality has changed. You're maybe more quiet if compared to the you several years ago. But how come you're old friends didn't notice it? Cause they have been with you for ages and you guys are already... connected. But the new one? They know you as the current Ultima, which is maybe... more insert-text-here.
- When you're with your old friends, maybe your interests are the same so yeah... you guys could get along with yourselves. But now? Maybe because it's a new environment, their interests are different than yours, that you hardly get along with them.
- Maybe it's a problem with *cough* puberty *cough*. Teenagers are searching for theirselves around there age... and that includes me!
Hard it is but yeah... things will work out eventually ^__^. If you're still confused, consult to a doctor or psychologist. They're the best consultors I know. Cause friends around your age are... lack of EXP... *sweatdrop*
|
|
|
Post by Garnet17th on May 17, 2003 11:50:05 GMT -5
Ultima...Don't worry! to me your a cool buddy and your not boring ;D That's all that I think If they think your annoying, Face it..They're boring. They have fun watching paint dry.. You are unique! You ARE NOT perfect.. So what if people think your hyper, Your REAL friends like you the way you are... Thats all that matters!
|
|
|
Post by M-Chan on May 17, 2003 16:22:24 GMT -5
i agree with a lot of wat fuuko said, but ultima i think you shouldn't beat yourself up and stress yourself because your frustrated with your emotions... try to let your self run, don't doubt yourself.. and forget what others say.
|
|
|
Post by Archangel_Dream on May 18, 2003 0:49:55 GMT -5
;D Fuuko-san makes one great psychologist! ;D Garnet-san, actually, my real friends stood by me before they died...after that I didn't have anymore friends...Why? I don't know for sure...Maybe I don't want ppl to get closer to me or I might be hurt again like before, or I just don't phase with them... Thanks guys, for taking me seriously! I actually tried asking some potential classmates for help, but they dissed me off, saying all I am spewing off is fake and I was just trying to get attention Why would I do that anyway?? I don't even like attention. I show my manga to other ppl or art in 'zines, but that's it. Thank you very very much!! Um...maybe you guys could help me deeper when I tell you what happened with this one...incident...but, I don't know...I'm not very...uh, I don't know how to say this...
|
|
|
Post by Chibiwonton on May 18, 2003 1:11:28 GMT -5
Ultima, feel free to say anything you want. Of course i'm not forcing you to say it, but i'm sure every problem has a way out of it, so why don't you share it with us so all of us can help you go through it k? But if it's really personal, then it is up to you. I'll try to help in anyway i can as a tomodachi, k?
|
|
Fibby
Anime Fanatic
"In this world, we stand on the roof of hell, gazing at flowers."
Posts: 324
|
Post by Fibby on May 18, 2003 1:34:00 GMT -5
I'm new here, and I really don't know what happened, Ultima-san... but I wanted to tell you you're not alone. I'm not going to say "I'll be here for you" and optimistic stuff like that. We are hardly even acquainted so I wouldn't sound too believable. But I do understand what you're feeling. I may be a complete stranger and all, but I went through a couple of hard times in my life. And for some time afterwards, I felt empty. It's like a part of me died. It's hard to explain, but it hurts me a lot inside. But I do notice one thing, though... you do have friends... and they care for you a lot no matter who you are... They're right here. I'll tell you one thing, though: (corny as it may sound...) One day, you will be able to look back at all these, smile and say, "I went through it okay."
|
|
|
Post by M-Chan on May 18, 2003 2:06:15 GMT -5
well said fibby very well said... ^^ couldn't have said it any better
|
|
|
Post by Garnet17th on May 18, 2003 21:12:30 GMT -5
*sniff, sniff* I think I'm going to cry...
|
|